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- I decided to get married.
- Why?
- What do you mean "why"? I'm in love!
- What does love have to do with marriage in our state agencies legislation? Who forbids you to love?
- Well ... she insisted ...
- You agree to meet all her Wishes? What about your own desires and interests?
- Well ... uh-uh, I want kids.
- Kids do not come from a marriage.
- Uh, well, isn't that's how it so-pose to be!
-Who said?
- ..... Uh-uh.
- Well, what do you get when you get married?
- Well ... like ... wife.
- Wrong. Under the current law wife doesn't have to be loyal, but also don't have to live with you. She don't even have to have sex with you if she don't want to. So what do you get?
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 MadRomas
 Jokes and Pearls
 03.19.2013 - 12:25
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(A well-dressed, middle-aged man comes up to me with a friendly smile.)
Customer: “Excuse me, I’m sorry to be a bother. Could I possibly get change from you?”
Me: “Okay, come up to the till. I’ll help you out.”
Customer: “Thank you so much.”
(He hands me three ˆ20 note.)
Customer: “If I could get a ˆ50 note and a ˆ10 note out of this, it’d be really helpful.”
(I take the three ˆ20 notes, and hand him back the change.)
Customer: “Thanks. Sorry, but could I ask one more favor? Could I just get two ˆ1 coins for this?”
(He hands me a ˆ2 coin. I am feeling slightly suspicious now. I turn back to the till, take out the two one-euro coins, and hand them to the man. He doesn’t move.)
Me: “Is there something else?”
Customer: “You never gave me the ˆ50 note.”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I did.”
Customer: “No, you definitely didn’t.”
Me: “Sir, I’m not giving you any more money. If you would like, you can come back during closing. If we’re ˆ50 over the end of day report, I will be happy to rectify my mistake. However, I’m absolutely positive I did not make one.”
Customer: “Are you, really? This is ridiculous. You did not give me the money!”
Me: “I think I did.”
Customer: “You couldn’t have made a mistake? How are you so sure?”
Me: “Because the corner of the ˆ50 note I gave you is sticking out of your sleeve.”
(Turns out he had done it to all the other shops on the st
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
03.19.2013 - 08:59
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(It’s a slow night, so I take out some of my craft supplies. As I’m piecing together an earring, a regular customer walks into the store. I smile as I tuck away my supplies.)
Me: “Hello! How’re you this evening?”
Regular: “Good! What were you doing just now?”
(I pull out the earring.)
Me: “Oh. I was making a pair of earrings to pass the time.”
Regular: “You make earrings?”
Me: “Yeah, I’ve made a few necklaces too.”
(I pull my necklace out of my shirt to show him.)
Regular: “That’s really nice. Hey, I’ve got some beads and stuff that my wife bought. We were going to make jewelry to sell, but we never got around to it. When I get home tonight, I’ll get her to help me dig out some of the beads. I’ll bring them in, or send them with Mom, okay?”
Me: “Okay, thanks!”
(A week later, his mother comes into the store. She hands me a package containing dozens of hand-blown glass beads, along with a note.)
Mother’s Note: “These are just some of the beads. Hope you can use these in your jewelry making. We’re still trying to dig the rest of them out. It may take a few more trips, but we’ll get them all to you.”
(It’s the nice people like that who make my job worthwhile!)
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
03.19.2013 - 08:59
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(A familiar looking lady approaches the front counter, but I can’t remember where I’ve seen her before. She speaks briefly to a colleague that is manning the front counter, who comes over to me.)
Colleague: “This lady wants to return this DVD because she claims it doesn’t work. Take a look at the disc.”
(I take a look at the disc, and it is severely scratched.)
Me: “Well, that’s clearly why it’s not working. Did she say she bought it like that?”
Colleague: “Yeah. She said she opened it and the disc was already like that.”
(All of our DVDs come with security seals which are unlocked when purchased, so I know this isn’t the case. I look at the DVD title in our system, and notice we have not sold any in the last four weeks. I remember this same customer has tried to return DVDs in the same condition before.)
Me: “Hello, ma’am. How are you today? Now, were you the customer that was after a refund for this DVD?”
Customer: “Yes, it doesn’t work.”
Me: “Okay. Now did you have a receipt for it? That way I can clear up a few things.”
Customer: “No, I don’t have a receipt! I didn’t think I’d need one!”
Me: “Okay, that’s fine. Now when did you purchase this DVD?”
Customer: “Last week! Why is this even an issue?”
Me: “Well, I have just checked our records. It shows that we haven’t sold a copy of this DVD is over a month. So, either you’re lying to me, or you’ve stolen it. In either case, you ar
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
03.19.2013 - 08:58
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(It is a busy Saturday night. During the dinner rush, I have been dealing with a table of two 20-something year old men. The blonde one has found something to complain about every time I’ve walked by while the brown-haired one just blushes and stays quiet. They’ve finished their meal.)
Blonde Man: “Are you new here?”
Me: “No, sir. I’ve been a waitress here for two years and three years at [other restaurant] prior.”
Blonde Man: “Then you have no excuse for how terrible this service was. The salad was wilty, and the entree was way too cold, and you were nowhere to be found. Plus, this place is far too noisy; I could barely hear myself speak! Honestly, I get better service at a fast food place.”
Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way. While there isn’t much I can do about the noise, I did offer to bring you different food before, but you said no.”
Blonde Man: *waves me off* “Just bring me the check, and try not to be so slow about it for once.”
(I go and get the check, but when I return, the brown-haired man stands up and hands me a $20 bill.)
Brown-haired Man: “Here, this is your tip. He wasn’t going to give you one. As a former waiter myself, I thought you were doing a perfectly fine job. My food was great, and the service was fast even though you’re so busy right now.”
(He turns to his blonde companion.)
Brown-haired Man: “People like you made my job so much worse, especially for making us work that much harder
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
03.6.2013 - 13:52
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(I am half Polish, and fluent in the language, but have lived in England all my life so speak without an accent. Between my degree and my masters, I get a job in a pound shop—everything costs £1—to earn some money. I am on tills and call two young women forward.)
Me: “Can I help you?”
(The customer dumps her items on the counter without acknowledging me, and then turns to her friend and speaks in Polish.)
Customer #1: “Look at this dumb b****! How bad must your life get to work here?!”
Customer #2: *in Polish* “I know! And she judges us for being Polish! All English people are so racist!”
Me: *in Polish* “That will be £7, please.”
Customers #1 & #2: *both turn red and hurry out of the shop*
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
03.6.2013 - 13:45
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(I am a female woodworking student, shopping for a specific kind of saw in a hardware store. There’s only one on the shelf, so I grab it and start to move towards the register.)
Customer: “You can’t have this saw.”
Me: “And why not?”
Customer: “Because I need it!”
Me: “Well, I’m sorry about that, but I picked it up first when you weren’t even near it. They’ll probably order some soon.”
Customer: “Give it to me, I really need it.”
Me: “As much as I do. I’m sorry, sir, but it’s mine.”
Customer: “I clearly need it more than you; you’re a woman! You can’t have any use for a saw!”
Me: “I’m sorry sir, but I’m doing woodworking and I need this saw for an order a client placed with me. I am not going to give it to you and delay my client’s order.”
Customer: *sheepishly* “Oh, I’m sorry, I couldn’t know… If I knew you were a woodworker, I wouldn’t have said that.”
Me: “You shouldn’t make sexist comments like that, regardless of what field I work. Every woman is allowed to buy a saw… not only woodworkers.”
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
03.6.2013 - 13:43
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Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
03.6.2013 - 13:39
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(It’s early morning and we have just two people working, one person to take money, the other to get the order. This is how we are trained to work, and we function quickly and efficiently this way. A regular customer has begun complaining about the way we run the bakery every day she comes in, and has tried several times to cut in line. On this day, she cuts in front of another customer I’m serving to complain yet again.)
Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but she is ordering with me right now. It’ll be just a moment.”
Regular: *steps off in a huff* “Why are two people helping one customer? You need to open another register.”
(After the other customer is done, the regular rushes to my register again.)
Me: “Good morning.”
Regular: “Why do you need two people to help one person? It’s bad business!”
Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. What would you like today?”
Regular: *gives her order* “You people have become so slow! You used to be good, but recently you’ve been giving really terrible service.”
(I want to explain that this is the slowest month of the year, and the management has cut the amount of staff in half to accommodate for the lack of business and ease up on labor costs, but I don’t want to start an argument.)
Me: *repeats her order* “Would you like anything else today, ma’am?”
Regular: “No. You need to have more registers open, it’s bad business!”
Me: “That’ll be [price]; for here or to go?”
(She gi
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
02.24.2013 - 10:59
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(In our copy center, we regularly help brides with their DIY invitation kits. A man comes up to the counter, roughly half an hour before the store closes for the night.)
Customer: “I need these place cards printed, and I want to wait while you do it.”
(My coworker and I review the order, and we realize that the entire job would take several hours to complete exactly to their specifications.)
Coworker: “Unfortunately, sir, this order would take hours to complete. I can get started on it tonight, but we close in 30 minutes, and we’d have to continue working on it tomorrow morning.”
Customer: “What!? But it’s for my wedding!”
Coworker: “Well, when’s your wedding? I’m pretty sure we could work something out.”
Customer: “You don’t understand! It’s tomorrow morning! I need these done now!”
(My coworker and I, both women, stare at the man for several seconds in shock and then continue.)
Coworker: “Okay, well in that case we have two options. We can do [option 1], which but won’t look as nice but will be done faster, or [option 2], which will look more formal, but will take a little longer. Worst case scenario, I’m pretty sure we can have this done in time.”
(The customer is now irate as well as in a panic. The time my coworker had told him the order would be completed was only a couple of hours before his wedding. He starts to launch into a tirade about incompetent employees when my coworker interrupt
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
02.24.2013 - 10:58
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Three young women are at a cocktail party.
The conversation turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they're trying to one-up each other.
The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride. Young woman number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect thing."
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make: I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my folks' house in Terre Haute for two weeks."
The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes; it's a Plymouth."
"Well, I've got a confession to make myself: Canary number fourteen has to stand on one leg."
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
02.17.2013 - 14:16
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An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny.
The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper.
Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move.
Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move.
Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull."
Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.
The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
02.17.2013 - 14:14
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A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.
The farmer said, "There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep, one of you must sleep in the barn."
"No problem," spoke the Rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.
Moments later a knock was heard at the door. The farmer opened the door, and there stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer.
He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes late the same scene occurs. There is a knock on the door. "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asked.
The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"
Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood the pig and th
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
02.17.2013 - 14:11
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(I have been recently hospitalized and underwent emergency surgery, and my husband and I lost a lot of work because of it. I’m a little behind on bills but doing what I can. I come to payment arrangements with multiple creditors, including one I have been continuing to receive phone calls from.)
Caller: “Hi, this is [caller] from [credit card company] looking for [me].”
Me: “Hi, yeah, this is she. I think I know why you’re calling.”
Caller: “Yes, ma’am. I see here that—”
Me: “You know, I’ve been getting calls from just this company for almost two weeks. We have a payment arrangement. I’ve talked to just about every branch over there.”
Caller: “Yes, I understand—”
Me: “And you are still coming after me! I’m giving you what money I’ve got when I can! Don’t you even read the notes on the account before you call? Do you even know anything about this? Or are you just an air-headed vampire that doesn’t give a d*** whose blood you’re sucking out?”
Caller: “Ma’am, I am sorry to bother you, but I am calling regarding a broken agreement.”
Me: “Uh… pardon?”
Caller: “Yes, ma’am. It appears we tried to follow through on your previous payment agreement, but your bank indicates that checking account was closed. Have you changed banks recently?”
Me: “Um, yeah. I thought I changed everything over, though.”
Caller: “That’s understandable. There’s a lot to think about when opening new accounts. So I’m just call
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
01.27.2013 - 14:13
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(I am at small cupcake store. I have Php100 (around $2.50), which is the exact amount for the two cupcakes I purchase. Next to me is a shifty woman with two rowdy kids. I order and leave my money on the counter. When I get my cupcakes, the money is gone, so I assume my cupcakes are paid. I’m about to leave, when the store owner says she hasn’t received payment.)
Me: “I already paid, miss. I left the money on the counter.”
(She looks down on the counter, and on the floor, but it isn’t there. I am about to take out another 100, doubting if my memory was fine or if the money flew away, when the owner makes a small gaze at the other woman, who quickly notices it.)
Lady: “So, what? You’re blaming me? Why am I to be responsible for some girl who’s whiter? Does that mean she’s not going to cheat you? She didn’t leave any money on the counter!”
(In the Philippines, like America, there’s some racism on the skin color as well. I’m unnaturally white for a Filipino, which hints to everyone about my Spanish ancestry. I’m part Spanish, but dominantly Filipino. Anyone with light skin are automatically assumed to be of Spanish heritage while tan and darker are pure Filipino ancestry. Because of the Spanish colonization back in the early day, some still believe that Spanish-lineage people look down on Filipinos. The lady goes on a rant about how hard her life is as a mother of two, and refuses to be a victim of a, as she puts it, a Spaniard. I keep a cool
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
01.27.2013 - 14:12
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(I am shopping at a popular grocery and am in the long line to check out. I notice a cart nearby with a kid. It starts rolling into a shelf. I grab it before any damage is done.)
Me: “Hey, whose cart is this with the kid?”
(I see a woman at the meat department with a phone, talking away. I believe she has a purse that matches the coat on the cart.)
Me: “Ma’am your kid almost rolled into—”
(She waves me off and continues talking on the phone. I sigh, reposition the cart, then get back into the line.)
Customer In Front: “Stupid woman, leaving her kid to roll off to God knows where.”
Me: “I hope the phone call is worth the—”
(I notice the cart rolling again, so I stop it. This time, the woman notices.)
Woman: “What are you doing to my kid you… you… kidnapper!?”
Me: “I was stopping the cart.”
Woman: *snatches the cart from me* “Stay away from my baby.”
Customer In Front: *laughs* “Well, least she paying attention now.”
(The woman continues glaring at me. A few minutes pass, and the customer in front is done being checked out. However, I’m surprised when the woman and two cops approach me.)
Woman: *points to me* “There he is, the kidnapper!”
Officer #1: *to me* “Alright bub, let’s go.”
Officer #2: *getting cuffs out* “I got him.”
Customer In Front: “Woah, officers! Stop! You haven’t even heard his story!”
Woman: “He tried to kidnap my baby!
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
01.23.2013 - 14:19
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(I have only been working at the store for a few weeks. I also happen to be a slightly anxious person. Phone calls tend to stress me out, as I can’t really interpret tones of voice. A customer calls, and I answer.)
Me: “Thank you for calling [name of store]. How can I help you today?”
Caller: “Yeah, hi, are you releasing [popular upcoming game] early?”
Me: *confused* “Um, we’re having a midnight release of that game, yes.”
Caller: “No, no. I mean, you know how you guys get new games before the release date? Can you give it to me before the release date if I give you extra money?”
Me: “Uh, no, sir, I can’t do something like that. That would be illegal.”
Caller: “I don’t like your tone.”
Me: “I’m sorry?”
Caller: “There’s no reason for you to talk to me like a dumb f***.”
Me: “I’m, I’m really sorry if I’ve offended yo—”
Caller: “Is there someone else I can talk to?”
Me: “Um, yes, sir. Let me get my coworker.”
(I pass the phone to my coworker, who, though she is the senior employee, is younger than me, and generally very sweet and charming. I have never really seen her angry. She speaks to the customer for a few minutes, and then she puts the phone down.)
Me: “Is everything okay?”
Coworker: “What a jerk! He demanded to speak to the manager, and when I told him that the manager wasn’t in today, he said to tell you that you were a dumb c*** and a stupid b****!”
Me: “Oh.
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
01.23.2013 - 14:18
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Customer #1: “My god, you look just like Scarlett O’Hara! Have you ever seen Gone With The Wind?”
Me: *laughing* “Thanks! I actually haven’t seen it, but I want to eventually!”
Customer #1: “Those blue eyes, and dark hair! You’re a dead ringer, Scarlett!”
(Customer #1, who is a very petite, elderly woman, continues to refer to me as ‘Scarlett’ for all of her questions, calling me over to wherever she is in the store to evaluate different gift baskets, etc. She’s pretty awesome, and I am happy to oblige. Then, Customer #2 enters the store. He is a tall, broad shouldered, grumpy middle-aged man. I leave Customer #1 to go back behind the register.)
Customer#2: “Where the **** are the cheese pretzels?”
Me: “Sorry, sir, but we are out of those until next year. With expansion—”
Customer#2: “That’s bulls***! I have been coming here every other week for two months, and everyone keeps telling me different times!”
Me: “I’m sorry, sir! I was ju-”
Customer#2: “I think all of you are full of s***!”
(Suddenly, Customer #1 comes flying around the corner and up to my register.)
Customer #1: *to Customer #2* “Do you even know who you are talking to?! Don’t you dare talk to her like that! You should be ashamed of yourself, you great big lout!”
(Customer #2 clearly was not expecting Customer #1 to yell at him, and sheepishly retreats out of the store but still grumbling.)
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
01.23.2013 - 14:17
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Customer: “Do you have any mutton pies?”
Me: “No, sorry we don’t.”
Customer: “I’ll have one of your mutton pies, thanks.”
Me: “Sorry, we don’t have any mutton pies.”
Customer: “Are your mutton pies done in the Scotch style?”
Me: “No… because we don’t have any.”
Customer: “Can I grab two of the mutton pies, then?”
Me: “No, because we haven’t got any. I don’t even think we have any lamb pies either, for that matter.”
Customer: “Well, can I get a lamb pie, then?”
Me: “I’ll check if we have any, but I don’t think we do. Hey Shaun! We got any lamb?”
Shaun: “No! Don’t have any!”
Me: “Steve, we got any—”
Steve: “NO!”
Me: “Seems we don’t have any lamb, sorry.”
Customer: “Are you sure?”
Shaun and Steve: *at the same time* “YES!”
Customer: “Oh, well… can I grab a couple of mutton pies, then?”
Me: “No. Because we don’t have any. And we don’t have any lamb either. No lamb or mutton pies.”
Customer: “What do you have then?”
Me: “Well we have mince.”
Customer: “I’ll take a venison pie, thanks.”
Me: “Here’s your pie. Have a nice day.”
(After the customer leaves, the next customer, who has been there through the entire conversation, steps up.)
Next Customer: “What an idiot, aye?”
Me: “Well, it takes all sorts. So, how can I help you?”
Customer: “Can I grab a lamb pie, thanks?”
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
01.21.2013 - 14:00
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(I spend about 20 minutes dealing with a middle-aged woman and her elderly mother, sorting out a rather complicated order. Despite my reassurances, they are continuously apologising for taking so long to decide.)
Me: “Okay then, is there anything else I can help you with today?”
Customer: “Nope, that’s brilliant; thank you! Have a lovely new year!”
(The customers leave. About an hour later, the young woman returns and heads straight for my register, looking rather flustered.)
Customer: “Hi again! I was in here about an hour ago if you remember me?”
Me: “Oh, yes! Did you enjoy your meal?”
Customer: “Yeah, but did you happen to come across a black leather handbag in your dining area? My mother left hers here!”
Me: “Yup! I have it safe under my register for you. I found in just after you left!”
Customer: “Oh, thank you so so much! You’re a life saver!”
Me: “Not a problem; just doing my job after all. Have a good day!”
(She walks off and I begin to serve the next customer. I can see her conversing with her mother out of the corner of my eye. She comes over again.)
Customer: “This is for everything you’ve done for us today, young lady!”
(She hands me what I thought was a scrap of paper, but is in fact a £20 note.)
Me: “Thank you ever so much for the gesture, but I cannot accept this!”
Customer: “No, no, you keep it! That’s for p
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
01.21.2013 - 13:56
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(It is standard grooming salon policy to make sure the customer is completely satisfied with their dog’s haircut before they leave. If not, we will fix what we can. I am returning a dog to its owner.)
Me: “Here he is, ma’am! Are you happy with the haircut?”
Customer: *examining dog* “Hmm… well… he looks okay except for the hair above his eyes is still a little too long.”
Me: “Oh, I’m sorry about that. Would you like me to trim it a bit more? It’ll only take a minute.”
Customer: “No!”
Me: “Okay then, if you’re sure, that will be [price].”
Customer: “But that’s full price! You can’t charge me full price, because the hair above his eyes is too long!”
Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I offered to trim it for you. I can still do that; it’ll just take a minute.”
Customer: “No!”
Me: “Well then, it’ll be the same price I just told you.”
Customer: “But that isn’t fair! The hair above his eyes is still too long! I want a discount!”
Me: “Ma’am, I’ve offered to fix the hair above his eyes for you, but you’ve refused. I cannot give you a discount for something that I am willing and able to fix right here and now.”
Customer: “Well, did I say too long? I meant it was too short! It’s too short! You can’t fix that now, can you!? I want a discount!”
(She proceeded to throw a tantrum for the next ten minutes and only paid up and left when I threatened to call the
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
01.19.2013 - 19:50
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(I am a supervisor at a car contract hire leasing company. The fire alarm goes off, so I call to my colleagues to apologise, hang up their calls, and leave NOW. One colleague is left as everyone files out. She is trying to talk over the very loud sound of the fire alarm.)
Colleague: *to customer on phone* “I’m sorry, the fire alarm is ringing and we have to evacuate. If you give me your number, I’ll call you back after.”
(I can hear the sound of irate shouting from the customer on the phone.)
Colleague: “Yes, but the fire alarm is ringing and we’re evacuating. If you won’t give me your number, can you call back later?”
(Sounds of more irate shouting.)
Colleague: “No, that’s the fire alarm. I can’t turn it down.”
(Sounds of yet more shouting.)
Colleague: *to me* “I don’t know what to do.”
Me: “Leave by the fire exit now.” *I take the phone*
Me: “Hello, I’m [name] and I’m the supervisor. The fire alarm is ringing. It’s not a drill and I’m going to have to terminate this call.”
Customer: “Where’s the f***ing b**** I was just talking to? I want her f***ing name. I will not be f***ing treated like this! It’s only a quick f***ing query, why won’t you f***ing answer it, you bunch of f***ing c****?!”
Me: “This building is on fire as far as we can tell. Call back later.”
Customer: “All I f***ing want is for someone to work out my early termination fee. That’ll only take five or ten minutes. Wha
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
01.19.2013 - 19:49
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(I work as a food runner for a hospital. My job requires me to wear a tuxedo. One day after work, I stop by a nearby dollar store to get a soda. I’m sitting on the bench outside the store drinking my soda when a fancy car pulls up right in front of me. A man gets out and walks around the car.)
Man: “Ahem.”
(I look up at him and see he’s looking right at me, but I don’t do anything.)
Man: *louder* “Ahem!”
Me: “What?”
Man: “You incompetent moron! Do you need to be told how to do your job?”
Me: “What are you talking about?”
Man: “That’s it, you’ve just lost your tip. Now get over here and park my car.”
(I realized he must think I’m a valet because I’m still wearing my tux.)
Me: “I don’t work here, dude. Leave me alone.”
Man: “You will address me as ‘sir’, and you will do your job right now, or I will go into that store, find your manager and have you fired for your unprofessional behavior. Look at you, drinking cola while you’re on the job! It’s because of people like you that our economy is collapsing!”
Me: “Listen, a**hole, I already told you I don’t work here. Leave me alone and park your own d*** car.”
Man: “That does it, I’m going to find your manager! You’ll be standing in line at the soup kitchen this time next week!”
(He locks his car door and storms into the store. About five minutes later, he returns with the store manager, pointing furiously at me.)
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
01.12.2013 - 15:58
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(It’s the holiday season and my 6-year-old daughter and I are in our local library. Money had been a little bit tight lately, since we’ve had to spend on decorations and presents and I’m a single parent. The library loans out DVDs, $5 for a week but there is a special section where kids DVDs are free and they are generally Disney movies or kids cartoons/TV shows.)
My Daughter: “Mom, can I get this Despicable Me DVD please? It was in the kids section!”
Me: “Sure thing sweetie. Let me just get my card so we can go.”
(As I self issue the DVD out, I realise it was misplaced in the kids’ section and actually costs $5. My daughter sees this on the screen.)
My Daughter: “No mom, it’s too expensive! I don’t want it anymore.”
Me: “It’s only 5 dollars! It’s fine; we can get it.”
My Daughter: “No no no! I don’t want it anymore!”
(Not wanting to cause a tantrum from her, I go up to the library assistant behind the counter.)
Me: “Hi there, I issued out this DVD a couple of minutes ago, but my daughter doesn’t want it anymore. I was wondering if I could return please?”
Library Assistant: “Is there something wrong with the DVD?”
Me: “Oh, not at all. There was just a little misunderstanding with the price.”
Library Assistant: “Oh. Well, tell you what! Take it for free. Just give me your card and I’ll take the charge off.”
Me: “Thank you! I know it doesn’t seem like much b
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
01.12.2013 - 15:57
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(I work at a sandwich shop across the street from a high school. I serve a lot of teachers who come over here for lunch.)
Me: “You want a turkey on white with tomato? That’s [price].”
Customer #1: “Oh, and can I have a bottle of water?”
Me: “‘Course!”
Customer #1: *scoffs* “I can’t believe you just said that. As an English teacher, I think I should tell you that saying that isn’t proper English.”
Me: *not sure what to say* “Um… sorry?”
Customer #1: “There you go again! Those are fragments, not complete sentences! All the other teachers who come in here would be ashamed.”
(The customer behind her speaks up.)
Customer #2: “Yeah, well, I’m a math teacher, and trust me, we don’t care.”
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
01.5.2013 - 22:29
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(On my way home from work, a buddy and I are stopping at a fast food joint just outside the military camp/training facility in my town. There is a long line of soldiers, privates, I assume, but also a young civilian lady almost at the front. As we have finally gotten to the front and are waiting for our food, a sergeant comes through the camp gates and walks directly to the front of the line.)
My Friend: “Excuse me, but I think this young man was first.”
(He points to the private who was about to place his order when the sergeant, rather rudely, walked in front of him.)
Sergeant: “No, I think that will be fine. Don’t you think so, [private's name]?”
Private: “Yes, of course, sir.”
My Friend: “I don’t. Why do you think you can just go ahead of everyone else?”
Sergeant: “Because I am their superior officer! Now quit wasting my time.”
Me: “Ahem. Are you her superior officer too?”
(I point at the young girl standing a couple places behind him in line.)
Sergeant: “Well, no…”
My Friend: “Then get to the back of the line then! Have some common courtesy!”
(The sergeant walked sheepishly to the back of the line. We went over to our car and made sure to stay and watch until everyone had gotten their food, so he wouldn’t just barge ahead again.)
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
01.5.2013 - 22:29
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(There are three customers outside on the patio: three men, one with long hair. The other two customers are friends and start volleying increasingly homophobic insults at him. I, as the hostess am closest and move to intervene.)
Me: “Gentlemen, please return to your meal. Abuse of the other patrons will not be tolerated and I do not want to have you thrown out.”
Customer #1: “What the h*** are you talking about, are you dumb? That guy’s a fucking f**. Look at his f***ing hair!”
Me: “You cannot discern another person’s sexuality from a hairstyle, sir, and I’m going to have to ask you to leave. I already told you that I cannot allow you to insult the other patrons. I do not want to retrieve security.”
Customer #2: “Screw that, b****! We’re not going anywhere. I’m in the middle of eating.”
(Surprisingly, a police man still in uniform walks up to us.)
Customer #1: “Hey, police man! This dumb f***ing c*** wants to throw us out instead of that d*** gay over there. Can you f***ing believe that?”
Policeman: “What I believe is that I should be very grateful to have a wonderful boyfriend who waited for me even though I was late and two idiots were heckling him. I believe that this young lady is quite commendable for standing up to those two idiots. I also believe you two want to pay for you lunches and leave.”
(There’s a bit of a stand off before the two get up and simply leave two twenty dollar bills. I turn to the re
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
01.5.2013 - 22:27
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(I receive a call on Christmas Eve.)
Me: “Thank you for calling [company]. How may I help you?”
Mom: *after verifying her account* “I’d like to put my daughter on the line. It’s her phone that’s having the trouble.”
Me: “Sure.”
Mom: *gives phone to her daughter*
Daughter: “I can’t make any calls on my phone. It keeps giving me a recording.”
Me: “Let’s see what we need to do to fix that. What kind of phone do you have?”
(The daughter gives me the name of a phone we stopped selling about 2 years before. Looking at her account, there’s a brand new phone that we only started selling about a month before. I check the remarks and it was activated today, Christmas Eve. I put two and two together and decide to speak with her mom.)
Me: “I think I actually see what the trouble is. Can I talk to your mom again?”
Daughter: *gives phone to her mom*
Mom: “What is it?”
Me: “Did you by any chance buy your daughter a phone for Christmas?”
Mom: *quietly, barely louder than a whisper* “Yes!”
Me: “It looks like that phone has already been activated, and service is completely transferred over. We have a couple of options. First, I can re-activate her old phone, and you can give us a call or go online tomorrow and activate the new one. Second, we can leave things the way they are and she will unwrap her already working phone in the morning.”
Mom: *still quietly* “Let’s do that second one.”
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
12.25.2012 - 21:39
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(Several customers are purchasing wax cubes. You’re supposed to melt them in a wax burner, but I can’t help but sniff them while I’m ringing them out. I didn’t want to stop smelling one in particular. However, after seeing one of the customers looking at me funny, I quickly close it and put it with the others in the bag.)
Customer #1: “If you like those so much, you should buy some!”
Me: “Oh, I don’t have a wax burner.”
Customer #2: “You should get one! They smell really good when they’re melted, too!”
Me: “I’m a college student. I don’t have money!”
(The customers leave, only to later come back back through my line. They’re purchasing another lip balm and wax burner along with candy cane-scented wax. They start to walk away with just their lip balms and don’t grab their other items.)
Me: “Hey, wait, you forgot your bag!”
Customer #1: “That’s for you. Merry Christmas. You deserve it for trying to do something with your life!”
(I was nearly in tears for the rest of the evening! Thank you, kind customer!)
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
12.25.2012 - 21:38
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(It’s about 32°F out. I’m walking into the store before my shift; I’m not wearing a coat because I forgot it at home. I am stopped by a customer loading his groceries into his car.)
Customer: “You must be freezing!”
Me: “Oh, it’s not so bad.”
Customer: *shakes his head* “It’s too cold to not have a coat! You should hurry inside!”
Me: “I will; have a good day, sir!”
(Half an hour later, the same customer comes through my line with a brand new winter coat draped over one arm.)
Customer: *hands me the coat* “Everyone deserves to be warm in the winter.”
Me: *shocked* “Thank you, sir, but I can’t—”
Customer: “Don’t worry about it, just pay it forward.”
(He left before I could get another word in. Not personally needing the coat, I donated it to a local coat-drive, along with $200 my co-workers and I collected by sharing the story amongst ourselves and other customers.)
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
12.23.2012 - 22:18
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(I work for a big box retail location. It has been a busy day and I have been alone for a lot of my shift. I have been helping an elderly couple look for a TV for their grandchild for Christmas.)
Wife: “I think this is the one that we want. Can we test it out to make sure it works?”
Me: “Sure, just give me a couple minutes to set it up…”
(I set every thing up and get everything going for them. This whole time, the husband hasn’t said a single thing.)
Me: “Every thing seems to be in working order, but just in case, you do have 90 days to return it.”
Wife: “That sounds great! By the way, do you have one that hasn’t been opened? We’re giving it as a gift.”
Me: “Umm…”
Husband: *to wife* “Are you a moron? You had him open it up to make sure it worked and now you want one that he didn’t open? We’re taking the open one and if she doesn’t like it, we’ll return it.”
(The wife had a shocked expression on her face but didn’t protest it. I, on the other hand, wanted to shake that man’s hand for being the smartest person I had dealt with all day.)
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
12.23.2012 - 22:17
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(I am the lead actress in a play called ‘Man of La Mancha’. During one performance, a small child has been rather vocal during the show, but he was expressing his enjoyment of it, so I didn’t much mind. Later in the show, there is a scene where my character is violently attacked by a group of men. While I’m not in any real danger during the fight, I am acting afraid and screaming for help, so the effect is quite harrowing and the audience is usually hushed. Except for this night.)
Me: *in character, having been thrown to the floor* “Help! Someone please help me!”
(A moment of silence.)
Little boy in audience: *to the men* “You stop that!”
(My fellow actors and I have a good laugh about it backstage for the rest of the show. Afterwards, we go out to greet the audience in costume, at which point the little boy and his parents approach me.)
Mother: “You were all wonderful! And I’m very sorry if my little boy disrupted your performance, but he was very worried about you, and we’ve always taught him to stand up to bullies.”
Me: “Not at all!” *to the little boy* “Thank you for telling those men to stop. You were very brave.”
Little boy: *beaming* “You’re welcome! Are you okay?”
Me: “I’m just fine. It’s all pretend anyway, lil’ guy. We were just pretending to fight, I promise.”
Little boy: *somewhat unsure* “Okay… but if they try to beat you up again, you tell my daddy and he’ll take them to jail.
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
12.22.2012 - 13:31
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(I am a passenger on the train heading home from a long day at school, keeping to myself as it is nearly midnight. A teenager is listening to very obnoxiously loud music. We come to our first stop.)
Driver: *comes back to where the teenager is sitting* “Would you mind turning down your music? You’re disturbing everyone.”
(The teenager laughs and ignores him. The driver glares at him, the teenager only turns it down until the train leaves again. We come to our second stop.)
Driver: *comes back to the teenager* “Turn down your music. You’re disturbing everyone.”
Teenager: “No, I’m not! Everyone likes music!”
(The driver looks around to everyone on the train.)
Driver: “Hands up everyone who wants to listen to this jacka**’s music.”
(Silence.)
Driver: “Hands up everyone who wants the jacka** to turn off his music so they can get home in peace.”
(All hands go up.)
Driver: “If I come back again, you’re off the train.”
Teenager: *glares at everyone around the train and gets off on the next stop*
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
12.22.2012 - 13:30
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(I am working the register over Christmas.)
Me: “Find everything today?”
Customer: “Yup.”
(Note: she is silent through the transaction, which includes a gift card.)
Me: “How much would you like on this?”
Customer: “Oh, sorry. Can I have $150?”
Me: “No problem.”
Customer: *after paying* “Can you do me a favor?” *she hands me the gift card* “The next customer you see that you think could use this, could you give it to them?”
Me: *stunned* “…Of course!”
(After a minute another customer comes up, a visibly upset young woman.)
Me: “Hi! How are you?”
Customer #2: “I’m okay, thanks.”
(Clearly she is not ok, but she is trying very hard to be pleasant. She is getting very basic items: milk, bread, eggs, etc. Nothing very festive.)
Me: “So your total comes out to $0.00.”
Customer: “What?”
Me: “The person before you gave me a $150 gift card to use for the next person I thought could use it. You look like you’re having a rough day, so here are your groceries, and there’s about $130 left on this card.”
(The customer just started crying. Once she could, she thanked me about 100 times. Made my whole Christmas season.)
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
12.21.2012 - 10:36
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(I am the lead actress in a play called ‘Man of La Mancha’. During one performance, a small child has been rather vocal during the show, but he was expressing his enjoyment of it, so I didn’t much mind. Later in the show, there is a scene where my character is violently attacked by a group of men. While I’m not in any real danger during the fight, I am acting afraid and screaming for help, so the effect is quite harrowing and the audience is usually hushed. Except for this night.)
Me: *in character, having been thrown to the floor* “Help! Someone please help me!”
(A moment of silence.)
Little boy in audience: *to the men* “You stop that!”
(My fellow actors and I have a good laugh about it backstage for the rest of the show. Afterwards, we go out to greet the audience in costume, at which point the little boy and his parents approach me.)
Mother: “You were all wonderful! And I’m very sorry if my little boy disrupted your performance, but he was very worried about you, and we’ve always taught him to stand up to bullies.”
Me: “Not at all!” *to the little boy* “Thank you for telling those men to stop. You were very brave.”
Little boy: *beaming* “You’re welcome! Are you okay?”
Me: “I’m just fine. It’s all pretend anyway, lil’ guy. We were just pretending to fight, I promise.”
Little boy: *somewhat unsure* “Okay… but if they try to beat you up again, you tell my daddy and he’ll take them to jail.
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
12.21.2012 - 10:33
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(I am bartending at a neighborhood dive that caters mostly to a set of regulars who were minimum wage or blue collar workers, but occasionally some of the kids from an expensive nearby university would wander in. I am talking to a female regular at the bar who happens to be seated next to a young guy from the college.)
Me: “Hey, did you check out that show I told you about?”
Regular: “Yeah, thanks, it was really funny!”
(We are discussing episodes, when a college kid joins in.)
College Guy: “Hey, I love that show! What season are you up to?”
(For a few minutes, we all engage in friendly conversation until, suddenly, a spoiled and VERY intoxicated college girl in a miniskirt and six-inch heels proceeds to shove my female regular in the back.)
College Girl: “Hey, b****!”
Regular: *calmly turns on her barstool to look at the girl*
College Girl: “Quit talking to my boyfriend, you stupid w****!”
Regular: “Miss, we were just having a polite conversation.”
College Girl: “You think you can steal my boyfriend, you ugly b****?” *she shoves the regular’s shoulder for emphasis* “Stupid f***ing s***! You wanna try and steal my boyfriend?”
Regular: “Miss, I’m afraid you’ve misunderstood. I have a boyfriend of my own.” *untucks a set of dog-tags from her shirt as proof* “I wasn’t hitting on your boyfriend; we were just having a nice chat. Please calm down.”
College Girl: “You think you ca
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
12.21.2012 - 10:32
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(I am being served in a gas station, when a drunk customer approaches the clerk.)
Drunk Customer: “Do you sell beer?”
Clerk: “Of course, sir. Right over there.”
(The clerk starts to ring my up my purchases, but the drunk customer shoves them aside and drops a pair of six-packs on the counter.)
Clerk: “I, uh—”
(I nod for him to go ahead. Just then, the door opens behind me and four uniformed police officers come in. There are three police cars parked out front, and one of the cops is quite loudly talking into a radio.)
Drunk Customer: “Hey! You overcharged me. I saw you. Dirty Jew!”
Clerk: “I… um… I’m Irish Catholic.”
Cop: “Sir, do we need to—”
Clerk: “No, no, just let him—”
Drunk Customer: *turns around and faces me* “Yo, little lady! Don’t say a word of what you’re about to see. Got it?” *to clerk* “Y’know the guy who worked here before you? They threw him in jail for dealing heroin.”
Clerk: “Yes, um, I remember that.”
Drunk Man: “So, sell me some f***ing heroin!”
Clerk: “I, uh…” *he takes cover behind the counter*
Cop: “Okay, buddy, we need to-”
(The drunk customer pulls a gun from his pants. It’s small, orange-tipped, and says ‘SUPER FUN CAP GUN’ on the side. However, the cops can’t see it, and they draw their guns.)
Me: *to the cops* “It’s a toy! It’s a cap gun!”
(Hearing this, one cop quickly holsters his gun and tackles the man.)
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
12.20.2012 - 11:52
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(It is Dickens Faire this weekend, so we have a constant line for ice cream for a good 6 hours straight on Saturday. By Sunday, we only have 4 flavors left; the unavailable ones are covered with lids. A middle-aged couple comes in and looks at the ice cream.
Me: “Hi! The only ice cream we have left are the open ones.”
Husband: “Oh, okay. So just the ones that aren’t covered?”
Me: “Yes, sir. We had a huge rush of people yesterday and sold out of all but those 4 flavors.”
Husband: “Hmmm… I’d like Buttered Pecan on a cone, please.”
Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We don’t have any left. We only have the ones that don’t have the lids on them.”
Husband: “Oh… well, how about Coffee?”
Me: “Sorry, sir. We sold out of coffee as well. The only four flavors we have left are Strawberry, Caramel, Strawberry Cheesecake, and Vanilla.”
Husband: “Hmmm… well, I’ll take Mint Chocolate Chip then. In a cone.”
Me: “We don’t have any of that left.”
Husband: “Well what do you have left then?!”
Wife: “She’s told you at least three times already. Only the ones that you can actually see the ice cream in are the ones they have.”
Husband: “But I wanted Buttered Pecan.”
Wife: “Well, too bad. Pick something else!” *to me* “I’ll have the Strawberry Cheesecake in a cup please dear.”
Husband: “I want… Cookies and Cream in a cone.”
Wife: “That’s it. No ice cream for you!”
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
12.20.2012 - 11:52
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Bill Gates recently gave a Commencement speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.
Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes; learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing gra
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
12.20.2012 - 09:06
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(I work at a call center for an online store. My job includes fraud prevention. If a caller dials in to place an order that seems out of place, I let my manager know. This is one of those times.)
Me: “So, I’ve got a customer on the line here that uh… placed an order for a really expensive product. Expedited shipping. They want a tracking number for it. I’m not liking this.”
Manager: “Do the billing and shipping match?”
Me: “Nope. Completely different states, too.”
Manager: “Hmm… did they order anything before?”
Me: “Oh, yeah! They placed [order].”
(After a few minutes of silent research…)
Manager: *smiling* “Transfer them to me.”
Me: “Okay?”
(He puts it on speaker.)
Manager: “Thank you for holding, this is [name], manager in charge. How can I help you?”
Fraudster: “Yeah, I’m pretty mad at you guys right now. Been waitin’ for twenty godd*** minutes for a single trackin’ number! The last associate that talked to me is an incompetent b****!”
Manager: “Oh, well I’m sorry to hear about that, sir. You mentioned that you were looking for a tracking number, is that right?”
Fraudster: “Yeah! And while you’re at it just fire the last b**** I spoke to! She’s f***ing useless as h***!”
Manager: “It’s going to be a few moments while I pull up the number. But how’re you doing?”
Fraudster: “Well… now I’m doing good. You know what you’re doing, unlike that—”
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
12.18.2012 - 14:43
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(My husband and I wed three weeks before he leaves for Afghanistan, so we decide to postpone our honeymoon until after he comes home. A year later, we finally find time for our honeymoon and decide to go to Vegas. As we’re boarding the plane, we’ve decided to wear what we had worn for the wedding so we can arrive in style: he’s in his formal Army dress uniform, while I’m in my cocktail-length wedding dress.)
Flight Attendant: “We would now like to invite our first class passengers and any members of the military in uniform and their guests to board.”
(As we get up to board, a male passenger scoffs loudly.)
Passenger: “That’s bulls***! Why should that f** get to board first?!”
(There are gasps from the other passengers.)
Passenger: “F***ing murderer! You should be ashamed of yourself.”
(At this point, my husband and I are beet red with anger and embarrassment, but we choose to ignore this man and board the plane. After the rest of the plane has boarded, a member of the flight crew approaches us in coach.)
Flight Attendant: “Sir, ma’am: two of our passengers would like to offer you their seats in first class.”
Me: *shocked* “You’re kidding!”
Flight Attendant: “Not at all, ma’am. They’ve cleared it with us, and would like to switch seats with you before we take off, in recognition of your service.”
(As we stand up, the other passengers take interest. An older gentleman and his wife began to mak
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
12.18.2012 - 14:42
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(I am walking home after work during a rather unpleasant snow storm. Not expecting a snowstorm today, I am wearing a t-shirt and shorts. About 10 minutes into my 40 minute walk, a ‘not in service’ public bus pulls up and stops next to me.)
Driver: “Hey! Where are you headed?”
(I tell him the street I live on.)
Driver: “Not that far from out of my way. Hop on!”
Me: “Really? Thanks!”
(The bus driver then proceeded to drive right to my street and let me off, telling me to ‘keep warm’! People like him are awesome.)
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
12.9.2012 - 21:02
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(I’m a lifeguard at an apartment complex. It’s the end of summer, and some new tenants are at the pool for the first time, the first of whom is pretty muscular. I notice that they’re smoking, which is against the rules.)
Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t allow smoking in the pool area. Could you please put those out?”
New Tenant #1: “Really? Come on.”
New Tenant #2: “You can’t do anything anymore.”
Me: “I’m sorry, but it does bother some people.”
New Tenant #1: “Whatever.”
(They put out their cigarettes and I go back to my chair. A few minutes later, Tenant #1 gets up and dives into the pool. It’s 4.5 feet deep, and there are signs everywhere forbidding diving.)
Me: “Sir, there is absolutely no diving at this pool!”
New Tenant #1: “Man, I’m about ready to throw you over the f***ing fence!”
Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but diving isn’t allowed. There are signs all over the place.”
New Tenant #1: *flexes menacingly* “Who the f*** do you think you are?”
Me: “I’m the lifeguard, sir, and it’s my job to enforce the rules. Please don’t do that again, or you’ll have to leave.”
(Overhearing the commotion, an old tenant speaks up.)
Old Tenant: “Are you okay?”
Me: “I’m fine, no problem.”
(The new tenants go back to their party, and they leave in a minute, still grumbling angrily.)
Old Tenant: “That jerk! I can’t believe he threatened you like that! You need to tell the mana
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
12.9.2012 - 21:02
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(I am a waitress at a high end chain of worldwide hotels. It is an extremely busy dinner shift. I am serving an obviously rich man, with who appears to be with a new girlfriend.)
Me: “Good evening, sir, madam. Are you ready to order?”
Male Customer: *showing off* “I want a steak, and I want it how the animals eat it. None of this namby-pamby cookery stuff. Just cave-man style, you know?” *he indicates the woman* “Oh, and just fetch her a salad, or something equally low-calorie. I don’t want her all bloated, if you know what I mean!?” *laughs in a creepy way*
Me: “Erm, okay, sir. So, one blue steak and a house salad.”
Male Customer: “That’s what I said wasn’t it? God, do they employ idiots here? And fetch me a bottle of your really good champagne; not the cheap stuff you give to the general public.”
(I have already realized by this point he is going to be a painful customer, and feel sympathetic to his girlfriend, who is clearly embarrassed. I return with the steak and salad, and after his first mouthful I can hear him shouting across the restaurant).
Male Customer: “Are you trying to kill me? Give me Mad Cow disease?”
Me: “I’m sorry, sir. What appears to be the problem?”
Male Customer: “My steak is bleeding! And cold in the middle! You’re trying to make me ill, and then charge me a ridiculous amount for it!”
Me: “That is a blue steak. Simply lightly seared on the outside, whilst mainly raw in the m
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
12.9.2012 - 21:01
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There's an elderly man and woman sitting in the sunroom of a retirement home.
The old man says to the woman, "For five dollars, I'll have sex with you on that rocking chair over there. For ten dollars, I'll have sex with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars, I'll take you to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you'll never forget."
The woman considers it a moment and then, after fishing through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill. The man says, "So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?"
The woman replies, "No, I want four times in the rocker."
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
12.8.2012 - 16:00
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Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
12.8.2012 - 15:59
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On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is! It's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered.
"What is it?" she said.
"A puppy!"
Oink, Oink!
Tsorog-Bombog
The Difference Between a Poisonous Snake and a School Principal
Lipstick on the Mirrors
Chinese Whispers
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
12.8.2012 - 15:59
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(I am assistant manager at an adult novelty item store. Two teenage girls approach the counter giggling to themselves. They sheepishly each place a particular kind of adult novelty item on the counter.)
Me: “Would you ladies also require batteries for your items?”
Girl #1: “Oh, these don’t come with batteries?”
Me: “No, it’s typically how the manufacturers of these products save money on production.”
Girl #1: *giggles* “No, thank you. I’m buying this for a friend.”
Girl #2: “Yes, me too. I’m also buying this for a friend. She won’t need batteries.”
(I conclude the purchase with the embarrassed young ladies and begin to assist the next customer, a woman in her late 20s/early 30s.)
Woman: “Yes, I will be needing batteries because I’m buying this for me!”
Me: “Can I please shake your hand?”
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
12.5.2012 - 14:12
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(I am waiting in the queue with a friend. We notice a group of girls pushing from the back of the queue past everyone, whilst loudly proclaiming that they are on the guest list. My friend and I decide to form a wall and stop them getting past us.)
Girl: “Move, we are on the guest list.”
Me: “Guest list closed at 11 pm.”
Girl: “But we have queue jump!”
Me: “No, you don’t.”
(I turn around and ignore them until we reach the bouncers at the front. By now the girls are loud and aggressive, my friend has been punched.)
Girl: *to bouncer* “These guys aren’t letting us past! We have guest list!”
Bouncer: “Calm down, you can’t just push in.”
Girl: “We didn’t start pushing; these d***s aren’t letting us past.”
Bouncer: “It’s a queue. Why would they?”
Girl: “Because we f***ing told them we have queue jump!”
Bouncer: “Aw! Why didn’t you tell us that? Come forward.” *cue big smiles from girls* “Now jump your a**es to the back of the queue.”
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
12.5.2012 - 14:11
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An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny.
The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper.
Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move.
Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move.
Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull."
Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.
The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."
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MadRomas
Jokes and Pearls
12.4.2012 - 18:57
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04.8.2013 - 16:48
